Accidental Lesson in Listening

I was in the bank today with plenty of time to conduct my business ... a rare moment so I do everything at one time. On the TV a controversial report on CNN was playing. One of the people in line turned to those behind him (I was out of the line waiting for something else) and began using language probably not welcome by everyone. He was opining about the new flight restrictions and the "stupidity of everyone." I noticed how quickly others joined in or nodded. I was in a place to watch and hear.

Did I want to hear this person opine? Not really, so it was up to me to tune it all out. I was immediately reminded of how we selectively perceive, listen and hear. I did not want to judge this person but of course I did to some extent ... and I wouldn't join in as I had a positive experience at the Toronto airport two days ago ... even with all the changes, pat down, searches. It all worked and for my benefit.

Anyway, what does this have to do with coaching? As a student of humanity ... one cannot help but become this after coaching for as long as I have ... I need frequent reminders that I am in charge of how I listen and what I hear. This goes for client work. Given every client is different from every other client, I must listen with generosity, acceptance and appreciation. If I cannot do this every time I am not coaching ... I am doing something else. Harsh as that sounds, listening is the heart and soul of coaching techniques and so must be the gift you and I give to another. And a wonderful gift it is.

"Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does." ... William James

Holiday Drama

While we're in the thralls of the main holiday season of any year, the subject of drama truly is approporiate. We have religious observances, mad scrambling retail buying, the end of the year approaching, a new year arriving with immense fanfare. And all of it is a human construct designed for drama whether we think (or thought) so at all. Well, so what?

For me it's a perfect time to sort through the bits and pieces of the dramas of my life and work. I generally have a couple of weeks of introspection (always dangerous for me) to ponder the reality that my life does have drama of my own making.

How does this apply to my coaching or yours?

1. I simply must renew my compassion level for the dramas of others.
2. I also must not assume others have the same dramas playing out as I do.
3. I must renew my capacity to be patient with myself and others.
4. I must not listen to the existing dramas that accompanied me into this world ... that was a gargatuan failing of mine when much younger (back to #1 above only this time adding myself).

So my coaching benefits by renewed compassion for all concerned, my return to not knowing everything, and my appreciation that an idle mind over the holidays actually can be in and of itself rather renewing rather than a time for mischief and concern.

The Role of Drama in Coaching

Thinking about drama ... let me explain a bit.

The 4-D Systems 360 that I use for my work with the wonderful people of NASA opens up 8 key behaviors that mark and define one's leadership effectiveness. The use of an evaluative or development tool is not unfamiliar to most coaches. I find this particular system elegantly simple and effective. And we have voluminous metrics to back it up ... talking about that is for another time.

After working with 4-D for quite a long time I find myself having a good laugh over this phrase: "I lead a soap opera life." Who said that? I did, often and over many years.

What does leading a life of drama or even getting involved in a drama at work or in family mean? To define what I mean by 'drama' requires nothing more than to look at movies and television. The heart and soul of drama is that it is exaggerated, greater than the facts and ... in my experience ... damaging. Whoa!

My blogs to date have concerned "listening" with a foray into "being present" ... so now can you see why now? When immersed in a situation that has slipped from being a situation into a full blown drama, a coach (or anyone for that matter) has a barrier to being with his/her client. I call it being "in your head" ... self concerned, looking for the right question to ask, failing to hear a client completely, having opinions, directing the conversation and ... aw, having the solution instead of letting the client discover it.

It's not you? Hmmm. Why do I hear this kind of coaching so often? I'm sure the coach means well and is "trying" to apply good coaching skills. I'll be addressing this as we move forward.

About the Train Ride...

About yesterday. I found quite quickly on my way to the train that I wasn't as "present" as I needed to be. I actually experienced "knowing" how to do something (I've done many times previously) and going ahead and not doing what I knew to do. My take on all of this is that I simply wasn't present to the task (simply boarding a train in the correct car). Once on the train I was grateful all turned out okay to that point and proceeded to take advantage of the 3-hour ride.

So (a favorite coaching term but a valid one), I enjoyed my breakfast on the train, popped on my iPod and listened to Enya and other gentle, lovely music. I do know how to decompress and clear my head ... do it all the time. This time I was intentional about "being present" to my practices that I always thought (or assumed) worked well ... but now I know they do.

Did I arrive at my destination with a clearer head and less drama? Uh huh. It showed in the quality of thinking and visualizing that I was asked to do ... one of my tasks for the 4 hours I would be working on the future. I noticed this also: I become almost fearless when free of the drama that accompanies frustration, anger, and even some positive emotions. I have freedom to create, opine, become engaged, .... Nice, eh?

This brings to mind that "drama" plays a part in the act of being or not being present ... I shall think upon that and see what shows up. I had not thought much about this until now.

Practicing Coaching Presence

Time to embark on that essential and yet enigmatic coaching competency: Coaching Presence. The test will come today as I do the following: get over being angry over some bureaucratic insanity, traverse snow and ice carefully, happily board a train (love trains) and spend 3 hours with my iPod and laptop, lovely food and great service, finally arriving at my destination to work with super terrific people. Got it? So what does this have to do with being present? ... well, everything.

My job for the next two hours is to come to terms with the bureaucratic mess, toss it aside and practice what I do everyday, all day ... be present to my clients. So today, I will put myself to the test and clear my mind of judgment, anger and frustration. There's another time to deal with that situation.

Coaching Presence asks some pretty basic behaviors of ourselves: be flexible, be present in the moment, listen without judgment, be confident and care for the people/person on the other side of the relationship (be it business or personal). Well, it's not so simple and it does take practice.

Practice is the place where you and I spend just about all of our time, isn't it? Ask George Leonard ("Mastery") who reminds us of this: love the practice because it's most of life. So today I will practice yet again what I've been practicing consciously for the past 17 years: be consciously present, as if it were a new practice. 'Presence' then has a chance to show up and be the coolest behavior of all. It's a win for everyone, including clear thinking.

Enjoy your practice session. It's called 'life.'

Coaches and Communication

Communication models all show the critical nature of listening as key to completing the cycle. It's like this: we speak (with an intention to be heard, usually), our message goes through filters (language, bias, past experiences, motivation, etc.) and hopefully reaches someone (or something) who receives it. Of course it's obvious just having it received (a telephone or email can do that) is not exactly sufficient, but we do want the message ultimately delivered and heard.

There's a lot of noise that keeps this cycle from being ideal but it's how communication works (in a rather abbreviated nutshell, but you get the message). For those of us who practice the art of listening, this level of understanding is rather important. For a professional coach, it's the essential technique of our work ... as I have blogged previously.

The holiday season reminds me ever more loudly how I must not confine my listening to my professional life but must transfer that skill to every aspect of my life ... every corner, every person, every idea, every message. Wow, that sounds burdensome ... perhaps to some but it's not burdensome in reality. My next set of blogs will begin to describe how a coach can listen, hear, filter the noise and use the clues without being burdened at all.

For those who argue that I've only described one kind of communication, rest assured you are correct. There's a lot to talk about ultimately.

Listening Through Enjoyment and Appreciation

There's always something to say about listening ... it's rather important for everyone, not just for coaches.

Listening through the filter of enjoyment and appreciation can work wonders for not only the coach but also for the client. When a client has a seriously great sense of humor, seriously serious coaching doesn't make for an enjoyable conversation. That's precisely why sharing stories is so darn powerful. A first-hand account of something dumb (per my client's description) can effectively diffuse the situation and the drama that could follow.

Let's face it, we humans are rather amusing. Thinking of all the dumb things I've done and survived always provides me with laughter and a few great stories. Of course, one can't fake this ... ever ... but deveoping a good sense of humor is possible and a great idea.

So, my client told me a story about something he was "trying" to accomplish by doing the kind of administrivia he simply dislikes doing (gosh, haven't heard of that, have you?). I smiled on the other end of the phone while he went on and on about it all. My smile was internal given these were the same kinds of tasks I dislike as well. So I said "Nice job." and he replied "I didn't like it at all." "What didn't you like?" "Uh, well it wasn't that." "And it was...?" "It was really okay. The results were wonderful and everyone felt appreciated." We laughed big time. He had backed himself out of a story that had nowhere to go because a much better one intruded. Cool stuff, eh?

Our lives are important. What we do is important. How do I know? I know because I say it is."