Not Becoming Enmeshed

It's well known (or at least considered by most) that life is a series of events that we live through via the stories we create about each event. At least that's my take on life. Think about it ...everything is more interesting that way ... and I mean everything. Even in the absence of much or any information I will fill in the blanks with whatever occurs to me, often a worst case scenario. Thinking of myself as an optimist, I find I must resist that "worst case scenario" stuff as much as possible.

What's even more important is that our effectiveness in life is determined (at least I think so) by how we respond to those events.  It's like a great shortstop (baseball is the game) fielding the ball within nanoseconds and throwing it to the appropriate base.  There's no drama, no emotional indecision for the player.  He simply takes the action. 

What does this have to do with coaching?

One of the behavioral hallmarks of masterful coaching is the coach's capacity to stay out of the client's story ... i.e. not become enmeshed in it. For new coaches, it's nearly irresistible to stay away from getting involved. After all, aren't we all learning how to connect, to create trust and intimacy, to be present, ... and all of those essential competencies? Sure! That's square one. Being friendly, interested, captured by someone else's account of their situation is truly cool. Our clients love us to "get into the story" with them.

At this time in my life I find myself getting enmeshed in my own stories. I'm rather good at not getting enmeshed in my clients' stories. Before you laugh too hard, as I said this morning on a conference call where everyone was talking about all the great things they did all summer, I'm in a perfect storm at the moment. In fact, I'm caught in my own life drama proving once again that we coaches have a seriously great challenge in managing ourselves. 'Wishing' won't make anything go away. Even 'hope' won't do the deed. Good coaching just might.

The other day I had some very good coaching around all this drama ... my very own soap opera.  In looking at my soap opera I discovered that I actually do some things well right now: shred papers, go through files and clothes to donate, mess around with Twitter, fool around in my yard and watch a bit more TV than usual ...oh, and read action novels. Sounds like I don't have much to do and ... you're right! The coaching outcome of this most excellent session was for me to give myself permission to indulge my wishful thinking or frustration for 5 minutes and end it. There's no denial necessary or onerous discipline to this practice except that 5 minutes = 5 minutes.  That's pretty okay with me.

This personal approach derives automatically from how I practice coaching.  I've often helped a client figure out a practice like the '5-minute rule.'  I don't know if a client takes one minute or ten but it's the point of the thing.  So, in coaching you and I cannot, must not, should never become part of a client's story ... like a player in a game or actor in a play.  Our job is to listen for what's being said and not said.  If I am in my client's story, I'm going to miss clues and most definitely those particular clues that can possibly make a difference.  I want to be present, connected, trusted, close ... but not enmeshed.  I have to have room (and objectivity enough) to pick up those clues!

It seems to me that becoming enmeshed is to tamper with the partnership that defines the coaching relationship.  I'll think more about that later.  Of course you may have better or more interesting ideas on the subject.