Coaching Self-Management: Never Step Over the Obvious

I've talked about this previously, I think. But it's ongoing and ripe for some more investigation.

I dash back and forth across the country to do my part as a caretaker of my mother. Our entire family is engaged in this remarkable display of selfless teamwork. Even great-grandchildren were doing their share being terrific, drawing pictures and "swiffering" her hardwood floors. We all love my mom/grandma/GG (one does acquire a plethora of names throughout one's life). We know she is dying and are making her last days comfortable in her hospice setting at home.

In the middle of this activity I must work. My work is coaching. My profession asks that I work at my best with each and every client no matter what.

"Never step over the obvious!"

First of all, I acknowledge what's in my "space" (to use coaching jargon). Perhaps I should just say that I acknowledge what's so and move on with the conversation. How does one do that? I mean, there's the emotion of a mother ill and dying in the next room. In my situation, my mother thinks what I do is wonderful and smiles broadly when she hears the phone ring. That alone is supportive and inspiring.

"Never step over the obvious!"

First and foremost my work as a coach requires me to be of service to my client and his/her agenda for that coaching call (I have run out of energy around the term 'session'). After thousands of hours as a coach, by now I should have acquired quite a skill being present (a core competency of coaching) ... fully present to my client and to what we're talking about. There's more to this: I also must be in the mindset of curiosity, willing to explore ideas, thoughts and concerns as a partner with my client in that hour. This is definitely possible no matter what. What makes it so or helps to make it so is that I have not stepped over the obvious (my mother's illness) neither have I made it the subject of anything but a soft "reporting in" when asked by my client. That's it! It's not complicated and frankly it's quite a lovely respite from my world to be able to engage in the world of another person.

This way of approaching professional coaching allows the coach to be effectively self-managed.

Three Is Enough

I was one of three ... two younger brothers and myself ... the dreaded older sister. In relationships that's truly a triangle with interesting dynamics.

Happily for you I am not going to talk about that in this blog.

Over my 25 years in business, 17 as a coach, I've discovered the power of 3.
Huh? Okay, here's what I mean by this:

It occurs to me that holding more than three key ideas, three new thoughts, three goals, three tasks, ... get the point? ... is just about too much. There's also the idea that 3 is an uneven number so when you vote (by yourself about yourself), one side needs to win (i.e. if there are only two sides to the vote). LOL

Think about this ... as a recovering multi-tasker of amazing skill (only in my own mind) I found overwhelm to be the undesired result of taking on too many whatevers. I had this typical response to tasks that needed to be done: "Count on me! I can handle that!" And I paid a dear price for half my life lived that way. Sure, I was superwoman and the manager of all things perfectly. Only, that's not possible, is it? Something is bound to give way.

When we work with clients who are in overwhelm or even when work on ourselves, it's absolutely necessary to help them narrow the field ... great coaching questions like "What's on your list of things to do?" will open up the proverbial can of worms as the response, "I don't really know."

I work with this exact situation rather often. Sometimes it's the "first baby step" process ... and doesn't an accomplished engineer love to think about that! Well, yes. How can I tell? The pain comes through the phone. Often it's time for a little story or a bit of levity to break up the misery (my client's not mine). "Is it okay if we start at the beginning?" (This is not a therapy question since the beginning is right now.) We might discuss what's urgent and important, urgent but not important, important but not urgent (and sometimes none of the above).

By now you've figured it out: for a person in overwhelm, everything has become urgent with the fatal accompanying response to "Take care of this by 5:00" being the all accommodating "Sure." Once your client sees this little scenario (and they do quite quickly), a whole world can open up that is punctuated by the word "no" or some sort of negotiation. In order to get some buy in to their own insight, coach might ask for a current example and take it from there. Working through "how to do this" together as partners, exploring ways that fit with client's style and the task details, ... this is 'the first baby step' to taking charge and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel as the light and not a train coming.

Back to three. It's always a good idea to stop at three steps, goals, ideas, tasks in order to make progress. Make it simple. Keep it simple. 'Three' is a manageable number. Afterall, overwhelm is a sure pathway to inferior work, problematic relationships, unhappiness, frustration, illness ... you name the rest. It's beautiful when overwhelm is resolved for the benefit of all.

Thoughts About 'Permission'

I learn a lot from listening to or being a client for ICF credentialing exams. Often I get coached wonderfully. I am grateful for that experience. Sometimes I'm not coached well. Nevertheless, I always learn something.

'Permission.' That's my subject in this blog.

'Permission.' Oh my gosh, why does a coach training program insist that their students ask permission to do or say anything and everything? It's so annoying. It stops me, the client, from being in my own moment because I have to say 'yes' then and go into the coach's moment. I call that "stopping action."

Now of course, permission is VERY important in coaching but not so that it overrides good professional coaching. (Actually, any annoying habit overrides good coaching.) Somewhere in the Core Competencies the word permission is used: "permission to coach in sensitive areas" ... but that's it. Until a coach and client are engaged in a deep conversation where a sensitive area is being unearthed, what is gained by asking permission in so many words. Also, in Coaching Presence it's a mark of this competency that the coach is confident, flexible and present. This follows on the heels of Establishing Trust and Intimacy ... doesn't that imply permission? Or should we say "Do I have permission to coach you with trust and intimacy?" Oh gee.

When a coach first meets a potential client it's time then to deal with asking permission. Make sense? In an exam situation, we assessors actually say it's not necessary to go through the "big agreement" but to just start coaching. How clear is that? If you get uncomfortable and move into a sensitive zone simply ask if it's okay ... 'okay' is a less intrusive word. We sometimes get stuck on one word when other words will do the job. I've listened to exams where the coach gently asked if it was okay to "go there" ... with the response of "not now." That's marvelous and natural and respectful. It's about the client, after all.

To bring this to a close, allow me to give you permission (as if I have permission to do that!) to coach with confidence, caring, trust, intimacy and presence ... because your client gave you blanket permission to do so.

The Fine Art of Noticing

One of the most effective ways to manage the complexity of life these days is to learn and practice the 'art of noticing.'

Hey, that sounds simple. What's the big deal?

Well, 'noticing' is the fine art of taking in all the stimuli, sounds, words, actions, ambience ... you know, all that stuff that makes up our close-in universe.

What??? How can I do that? If I took in all that occurs around me I'd get nothing done, not to mention I'd be unable to "manage the complexity of life."

As a coach it's now time to ask me a powerful question: What do you mean?

'Noticing' requires some skill in order to make it work. That skill is to pay attention to only that which counts.

Feel better yet?

Let say I am walking down the street in New York City. To what will I pay attention due to the extreme sensory overload that is evident and constant? Well, when practicing the fine art of 'noticing' it's critical to not get involved with 99.99% of what comes at me (see list above). By 'not involved' I mean to refrain from opining, interpreting, changing, ignoring, etc. anything that doesn't matter. As I walk down the street in NYC, I choose to notice anyone who catches my attention (for any reason). I refrain from interpreting or thinking about that person; I just notice. What I notice quickly passes from my "viewfinder" as I move along unless there's a reason to get engaged in more than noticing ... i.e. thinking about and interpreting what I see ....

In coaching we cannot spend time having opinions and interpretations (through our own mental model of what should or can be) without becoming uninvolved with our client. When I do credentialing exams or mentor coaches I "hear" this all the time: a coach busy figuring out "the next best question" or having an opinion about the client or client's idea or wondering about something important to the coach. I can pick this up with no problem.

The 'art of noticing' is integral to the art (skill) of 'listening for' ... an active way to listen. If I take in what's around me as I listen to another person (i.e. be distracted), I will miss the essence and likely anything else the other person wants to communicate in that moment. If I develop the capacity to 'notice' (as I describe it here), I will spare myself involvement with distractions of any kind.

Thus, the 'fine art of noticing' is the necessary preparation for profound listening ... the skill a coach must develop in order to master the competencies.

Try it on. Notice how you receive this blog: what opinions did you form right away? If you noticed yourself and are honest about it, you're well on your way to learning and practicing the 'fine art of noticing.'

Coaching with Metaphor and Story

We each have a plethora of stories to tell ... but to whom?

Did you know that another person can get their life out of your story? Hmmm. That seems amazing and a bit hyperbolic. Possibly so but, never discount the illustration and what another can do with it.

I'm just off the phone with a client who is in the midst of a consequential transition in his job. It's disorienting to change ... who doesn't know that. So first we talked about how it's going at his end of the picture and then we talked about a major transition I'm involved in on my end of things. The whole thing dissolved into some raucous laughter because each of us has made a big deal ... big drama ... out of it all and we saw that in each other.

So what? Well, out of all this my client saw quickly a series of small moves he could make to put him in the mindset of moving to another building ... and, incidentally... to also put his current colleagues in the mindset of adjusting to change. Guess what? The entire drama was about change (of course it was).

Here's the point. As a coach it's not my role to take on my client's life or decisions. It is my role to partner with a client in a search for what is going on. So, a story that simply occurs to me at the moment (one cannot plan for such moments, by the way), may be a way to explore. The best part is that I tell my story and my client gets what he gets out of it. It's not my role to tell him what the message is. Sometimes it doesn't work but often it does.

Metaphors are pictures, music, scenes, poems, stories ... that have nothing to do with what we think they are. They work beautifully also but mostly are visual keys and clues ... movies, sports ... these are great metaphors. For example, this week we're still in the midst of the Olympic Games in Vancouver, Canada. Watch the champions and you'll see metaphors for high performance everywhere you look. Bringing a metaphor like that to a client is powerful; bringing it into your thinking is also powerful.

Here's the deal with stories and metaphors: you cannot plan them, have them ready, think about them. They are to be spontaneous, arising out of what your client just said. And, more important than anything, they are first person, lived again in the moment, and never lectures "about" the story. Remember that. It's critical you do.

Tell Me More

The open-ended question “Tell me more” is often touted as a powerful question. But is it? Let’s take a look.

Evoking a deeper conversation…
A client describes something but doesn’t quite complete the thought or is sketchy and vague. In the context and present moment of the conversation, “Tell me more” becomes a powerful question that can evoke a deeper thought, completeness and perhaps a new level of insight. The coach doesn’t ask more about the details but instead listens “for” and is more interested in what isn’t being said or how it is being said than what is being said. In this case, it is the conversation itself that invites “Tell me more.” In this context, “Tell me more” is an ideal and powerful open question that allows exploration, discovery and awareness. The coach and client remain partners in their work together. The client assumes and remains fully accountable for decisions, actions and outcomes.

Making the story more interesting…
A client describes something but doesn’t quite complete the thought or is sketchy and vague. The coach asks the question: “Tell me more.” The client fills in the blanks and begins to describe the situation in greater detail. The coach becomes fascinated with the details and continues to ask more. In the coach’s mind, it’s all about clarification. Along the way the coach stops the conversation to summarize: “Let me see if I hear you correctly.” The discussion goes along on the level of a fascinating conversation. Can you feel the superficial context of this conversation? Within the coaching conversation, a considerable amount of time has gone by that has been mainly about details and whether or not the coach understands the details. In this scenario, “Tell me more” becomes a limiting question that merely asks for more and more details. The conversation remains quite nice, the client may see some actions to take, the coach feels satisfied that the client is getting value, and the deeper underlying issues remain hidden.

Shifting the conversation from client to coach…
A client describes something but doesn’t quite complete the thought or is sketchy and vague. The coach responds to the client’s words with “That’s interesting, I’ve had the same experience (or “that’s my area of expertise”). “Tell me more.” At this point, the conversation shifts to the coach as expert. The client may be anxious to resolve the issue and asks the coach “Tell me how you solved it?” A coach who hasn’t made the shift to a peer relationship with a client will become directive (i.e. tell the client what to do). Can you see that the client in this type of conversation is not likely to own the resolution, the action or the outcome? Leaving the client accountable for his/her decisions and actions is not the usual outcome of this kind of conversation. And most certainly the potential of richness in a collaborative coaching relationship is not possible.

This article was originally written for the University of Texas at Dallas' Executive Coaching Program's newsletter.

Snow, Listening, and Not Knowing

These past two weeks I discovered that snow makes noise. Yes, it does fall silently except when in a blizzard. Yet, the far reaching effects can be noisy ... not the kind one hears with one's ears ... just the noise consequences.

There is a reality to our dependence on electronic communication ... I ought to know since it's how I make a living. When I was a skier without a business like coaching, snow meant only "hey, let's hit the slopes!" and nothing more. This was my relationship to snow for 25 years. And I miss it.

So what do I mean?

Well, when a client cannot call, go to work, use the Internet ... when my assistant cannot do any of these things ... because the snowfall is so deep and consequential ... then snow isn't softly calling to me, it is weather I listen to with both ears and eyes fastened to The Weather Channel. Snow is now noisy and interfering with making a living. Oh yes!

In coaching we listen differently to each client and situation. Just as I have begun to listen to snow differently and to take in what it means (which is a bit more than just weather that happens) so also must I never forget to listen to each client with an open mindset and a willingness to "not know." Whatever is new must have a place to show up. Even listening to snow differently.

'Not knowing' is far from a simple state of being when one is a "know it all" who wants to help out. 'Not knowing' is a gift to a person who must figure out how to work through a situation or problem and it's the gift of the coach who is there to explore and discover with the client what that might be.

I like to think of the great explorers: Magellan, Hillary, Armstrong and so many more who took the ultimate chance, risked it all, and fortunately came back to tell us about it. These inspiring, courageous explorers might like to know that coaches also dare to explore with our clients inside the possibility of discovery always being present.

"I will study and get ready and someday my chance will come." ... Abraham Lincoln