Listening and Being Present work as a team. I was at the Metropolitan Opera in New York on Saturday for two operas: Der Rosenkavalier and Turandot. In Der Rosenkavalier the audience was pin-drop quiet ... a marvelous audience completely captured by the beauty of the music, the acting and the story. We were, as a group of 3,000 people, listening as one. It was an extraordinary experience.
What was that about for me? The Met has the English translation on the back of the railing. It is immediately available to only my eyes (every seat has this). One can briefly glance at it to follow the story as needed. Here's what I learned by listening to such a level and in such an environment:
When about 22 I first attended this opera ... it was gorgeous and great to see it ... but I did not understand the full impact of the story. Why? I was too young to capture the nuance and the depth of what was transpiring. This time I was not too young but had lived a long life inbetween. I listened with a captured mind and heart and a full appreciation for the story being told in such a magnificent way. Oh sure, I could have been captured solely by the beautiful voices, set and costumes and the waltz we all know too well. Those were there; they completed the picture.
The second opera Turandot was completely different ... a full stage with action and a plot of love and death. Once again, in the same day, one was called to be present, fully present for another 3 hours. Yes, it was possible and why not? What could be more wonderful than to listen and watch the magnificence of extraordinary performance with a beauty that captures the eyes as well as the ears.
Being in the presence of those who were also listening with passion and open hearts was all I needed to myself be fully present ... continuously for 4 hours plus 3 hours. This phenomenon made the length of time non-existent and the stories alive.
What is this all about? Let's see ... can coaching be this way? Are you able to sustain a context of appreciation and presence in order to listen actively and openly for several hours in a row?
What do you believe it takes?
If you read my story about the Met, perhaps you will understand what I believe it takes.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
A Private Sadness
My dilemma is around privacy ... do I want it and if so, how much? Do I not want it that much and willing to be more public?
Today I'll go past what I might ordinarily do in that regard and speak more personally than I usually do. I hope you're okay with this.
My brother died yesterday at 66 while in hospice. Alcohol was his guiding force and not a very beneficial guide as you can imagine. It killed him.
He never ... never ... ever ... stood up and took charge of his own life. Only once in the past 40 years did I hear him sober and I didn't recognize him when he called. He squandered a profession that saw him at the top of his game. You see, he was the exterior designer of the original HP 35 calculator ... the first one. The insides were designed but not the external package, keys and displays. This was a genius design and one that sent him to the top of Hewlett Packard Advanced Design. But he never made that work.
I had a 35 and still use an HP 12-C every day. Brilliant designer, he was.
Well, he once admitted that he drank from the time he was 13 ... but in those days who talked about such things, even if we had known? That was the beginning of "not listening."
I stopped listening to my brother a long, long time ago. The very skill I use every day was useless to me. I am not proud of myself here. I make no excuses for this but I truly never understood why he never sought an end to his prison. Many times he would call to tell me he was going into rehab but he never stayed a day in any. If alcoholism is an illness then he surely had it and was disabled by it at an early age.
There are times in life when one does not or cannot listen to another person. It gives me no pleasure or solace to say that frankly I had no influence on my brother and so it seems I lost all interest in truly listening to him. What a sad commentary on how I gave up caring. May he rest in peace.
Today I'll go past what I might ordinarily do in that regard and speak more personally than I usually do. I hope you're okay with this.
My brother died yesterday at 66 while in hospice. Alcohol was his guiding force and not a very beneficial guide as you can imagine. It killed him.
He never ... never ... ever ... stood up and took charge of his own life. Only once in the past 40 years did I hear him sober and I didn't recognize him when he called. He squandered a profession that saw him at the top of his game. You see, he was the exterior designer of the original HP 35 calculator ... the first one. The insides were designed but not the external package, keys and displays. This was a genius design and one that sent him to the top of Hewlett Packard Advanced Design. But he never made that work.
I had a 35 and still use an HP 12-C every day. Brilliant designer, he was.
Well, he once admitted that he drank from the time he was 13 ... but in those days who talked about such things, even if we had known? That was the beginning of "not listening."
I stopped listening to my brother a long, long time ago. The very skill I use every day was useless to me. I am not proud of myself here. I make no excuses for this but I truly never understood why he never sought an end to his prison. Many times he would call to tell me he was going into rehab but he never stayed a day in any. If alcoholism is an illness then he surely had it and was disabled by it at an early age.
There are times in life when one does not or cannot listen to another person. It gives me no pleasure or solace to say that frankly I had no influence on my brother and so it seems I lost all interest in truly listening to him. What a sad commentary on how I gave up caring. May he rest in peace.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Accidental Lesson in Listening
I was in the bank today with plenty of time to conduct my business ... a rare moment so I do everything at one time. On the TV a controversial report on CNN was playing. One of the people in line turned to those behind him (I was out of the line waiting for something else) and began using language probably not welcome by everyone. He was opining about the new flight restrictions and the "stupidity of everyone." I noticed how quickly others joined in or nodded. I was in a place to watch and hear.
Did I want to hear this person opine? Not really, so it was up to me to tune it all out. I was immediately reminded of how we selectively perceive, listen and hear. I did not want to judge this person but of course I did to some extent ... and I wouldn't join in as I had a positive experience at the Toronto airport two days ago ... even with all the changes, pat down, searches. It all worked and for my benefit.
Anyway, what does this have to do with coaching? As a student of humanity ... one cannot help but become this after coaching for as long as I have ... I need frequent reminders that I am in charge of how I listen and what I hear. This goes for client work. Given every client is different from every other client, I must listen with generosity, acceptance and appreciation. If I cannot do this every time I am not coaching ... I am doing something else. Harsh as that sounds, listening is the heart and soul of coaching techniques and so must be the gift you and I give to another. And a wonderful gift it is.
"Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does." ... William James
Did I want to hear this person opine? Not really, so it was up to me to tune it all out. I was immediately reminded of how we selectively perceive, listen and hear. I did not want to judge this person but of course I did to some extent ... and I wouldn't join in as I had a positive experience at the Toronto airport two days ago ... even with all the changes, pat down, searches. It all worked and for my benefit.
Anyway, what does this have to do with coaching? As a student of humanity ... one cannot help but become this after coaching for as long as I have ... I need frequent reminders that I am in charge of how I listen and what I hear. This goes for client work. Given every client is different from every other client, I must listen with generosity, acceptance and appreciation. If I cannot do this every time I am not coaching ... I am doing something else. Harsh as that sounds, listening is the heart and soul of coaching techniques and so must be the gift you and I give to another. And a wonderful gift it is.
"Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does." ... William James
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Holiday Drama
While we're in the thralls of the main holiday season of any year, the subject of drama truly is approporiate. We have religious observances, mad scrambling retail buying, the end of the year approaching, a new year arriving with immense fanfare. And all of it is a human construct designed for drama whether we think (or thought) so at all. Well, so what?
For me it's a perfect time to sort through the bits and pieces of the dramas of my life and work. I generally have a couple of weeks of introspection (always dangerous for me) to ponder the reality that my life does have drama of my own making.
How does this apply to my coaching or yours?
1. I simply must renew my compassion level for the dramas of others.
2. I also must not assume others have the same dramas playing out as I do.
3. I must renew my capacity to be patient with myself and others.
4. I must not listen to the existing dramas that accompanied me into this world ... that was a gargatuan failing of mine when much younger (back to #1 above only this time adding myself).
So my coaching benefits by renewed compassion for all concerned, my return to not knowing everything, and my appreciation that an idle mind over the holidays actually can be in and of itself rather renewing rather than a time for mischief and concern.
For me it's a perfect time to sort through the bits and pieces of the dramas of my life and work. I generally have a couple of weeks of introspection (always dangerous for me) to ponder the reality that my life does have drama of my own making.
How does this apply to my coaching or yours?
1. I simply must renew my compassion level for the dramas of others.
2. I also must not assume others have the same dramas playing out as I do.
3. I must renew my capacity to be patient with myself and others.
4. I must not listen to the existing dramas that accompanied me into this world ... that was a gargatuan failing of mine when much younger (back to #1 above only this time adding myself).
So my coaching benefits by renewed compassion for all concerned, my return to not knowing everything, and my appreciation that an idle mind over the holidays actually can be in and of itself rather renewing rather than a time for mischief and concern.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
The Role of Drama in Coaching
Thinking about drama ... let me explain a bit.
The 4-D Systems 360 that I use for my work with the wonderful people of NASA opens up 8 key behaviors that mark and define one's leadership effectiveness. The use of an evaluative or development tool is not unfamiliar to most coaches. I find this particular system elegantly simple and effective. And we have voluminous metrics to back it up ... talking about that is for another time.
After working with 4-D for quite a long time I find myself having a good laugh over this phrase: "I lead a soap opera life." Who said that? I did, often and over many years.
What does leading a life of drama or even getting involved in a drama at work or in family mean? To define what I mean by 'drama' requires nothing more than to look at movies and television. The heart and soul of drama is that it is exaggerated, greater than the facts and ... in my experience ... damaging. Whoa!
My blogs to date have concerned "listening" with a foray into "being present" ... so now can you see why now? When immersed in a situation that has slipped from being a situation into a full blown drama, a coach (or anyone for that matter) has a barrier to being with his/her client. I call it being "in your head" ... self concerned, looking for the right question to ask, failing to hear a client completely, having opinions, directing the conversation and ... aw, having the solution instead of letting the client discover it.
It's not you? Hmmm. Why do I hear this kind of coaching so often? I'm sure the coach means well and is "trying" to apply good coaching skills. I'll be addressing this as we move forward.
The 4-D Systems 360 that I use for my work with the wonderful people of NASA opens up 8 key behaviors that mark and define one's leadership effectiveness. The use of an evaluative or development tool is not unfamiliar to most coaches. I find this particular system elegantly simple and effective. And we have voluminous metrics to back it up ... talking about that is for another time.
After working with 4-D for quite a long time I find myself having a good laugh over this phrase: "I lead a soap opera life." Who said that? I did, often and over many years.
What does leading a life of drama or even getting involved in a drama at work or in family mean? To define what I mean by 'drama' requires nothing more than to look at movies and television. The heart and soul of drama is that it is exaggerated, greater than the facts and ... in my experience ... damaging. Whoa!
My blogs to date have concerned "listening" with a foray into "being present" ... so now can you see why now? When immersed in a situation that has slipped from being a situation into a full blown drama, a coach (or anyone for that matter) has a barrier to being with his/her client. I call it being "in your head" ... self concerned, looking for the right question to ask, failing to hear a client completely, having opinions, directing the conversation and ... aw, having the solution instead of letting the client discover it.
It's not you? Hmmm. Why do I hear this kind of coaching so often? I'm sure the coach means well and is "trying" to apply good coaching skills. I'll be addressing this as we move forward.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
About the Train Ride...
About yesterday. I found quite quickly on my way to the train that I wasn't as "present" as I needed to be. I actually experienced "knowing" how to do something (I've done many times previously) and going ahead and not doing what I knew to do. My take on all of this is that I simply wasn't present to the task (simply boarding a train in the correct car). Once on the train I was grateful all turned out okay to that point and proceeded to take advantage of the 3-hour ride.
So (a favorite coaching term but a valid one), I enjoyed my breakfast on the train, popped on my iPod and listened to Enya and other gentle, lovely music. I do know how to decompress and clear my head ... do it all the time. This time I was intentional about "being present" to my practices that I always thought (or assumed) worked well ... but now I know they do.
Did I arrive at my destination with a clearer head and less drama? Uh huh. It showed in the quality of thinking and visualizing that I was asked to do ... one of my tasks for the 4 hours I would be working on the future. I noticed this also: I become almost fearless when free of the drama that accompanies frustration, anger, and even some positive emotions. I have freedom to create, opine, become engaged, .... Nice, eh?
This brings to mind that "drama" plays a part in the act of being or not being present ... I shall think upon that and see what shows up. I had not thought much about this until now.
So (a favorite coaching term but a valid one), I enjoyed my breakfast on the train, popped on my iPod and listened to Enya and other gentle, lovely music. I do know how to decompress and clear my head ... do it all the time. This time I was intentional about "being present" to my practices that I always thought (or assumed) worked well ... but now I know they do.
Did I arrive at my destination with a clearer head and less drama? Uh huh. It showed in the quality of thinking and visualizing that I was asked to do ... one of my tasks for the 4 hours I would be working on the future. I noticed this also: I become almost fearless when free of the drama that accompanies frustration, anger, and even some positive emotions. I have freedom to create, opine, become engaged, .... Nice, eh?
This brings to mind that "drama" plays a part in the act of being or not being present ... I shall think upon that and see what shows up. I had not thought much about this until now.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Practicing Coaching Presence
Time to embark on that essential and yet enigmatic coaching competency: Coaching Presence. The test will come today as I do the following: get over being angry over some bureaucratic insanity, traverse snow and ice carefully, happily board a train (love trains) and spend 3 hours with my iPod and laptop, lovely food and great service, finally arriving at my destination to work with super terrific people. Got it? So what does this have to do with being present? ... well, everything.
My job for the next two hours is to come to terms with the bureaucratic mess, toss it aside and practice what I do everyday, all day ... be present to my clients. So today, I will put myself to the test and clear my mind of judgment, anger and frustration. There's another time to deal with that situation.
Coaching Presence asks some pretty basic behaviors of ourselves: be flexible, be present in the moment, listen without judgment, be confident and care for the people/person on the other side of the relationship (be it business or personal). Well, it's not so simple and it does take practice.
Practice is the place where you and I spend just about all of our time, isn't it? Ask George Leonard ("Mastery") who reminds us of this: love the practice because it's most of life. So today I will practice yet again what I've been practicing consciously for the past 17 years: be consciously present, as if it were a new practice. 'Presence' then has a chance to show up and be the coolest behavior of all. It's a win for everyone, including clear thinking.
Enjoy your practice session. It's called 'life.'
My job for the next two hours is to come to terms with the bureaucratic mess, toss it aside and practice what I do everyday, all day ... be present to my clients. So today, I will put myself to the test and clear my mind of judgment, anger and frustration. There's another time to deal with that situation.
Coaching Presence asks some pretty basic behaviors of ourselves: be flexible, be present in the moment, listen without judgment, be confident and care for the people/person on the other side of the relationship (be it business or personal). Well, it's not so simple and it does take practice.
Practice is the place where you and I spend just about all of our time, isn't it? Ask George Leonard ("Mastery") who reminds us of this: love the practice because it's most of life. So today I will practice yet again what I've been practicing consciously for the past 17 years: be consciously present, as if it were a new practice. 'Presence' then has a chance to show up and be the coolest behavior of all. It's a win for everyone, including clear thinking.
Enjoy your practice session. It's called 'life.'
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